The first ever blog entry that I wrote for this website was titled “Starting”. It’s always interesting for me to see how everything in life truly comes full circle. And to anyone who may disagree with that notion, my response is: maybe you’re just not paying attention.
It’s been over 2 months since I last wrote on here. To be honest, I was actually unsure if I wanted to continue using this platform. A part of me still is, but as of right now, I know my time on here isn’t quite finished.
Since I do feel as though I am entering into a time of where many new things are beginning, and many old things are ending, the title “Starting…Over” seemed appropriate. Within the next 2 months I’ll be moving out of my apartment in West Hollywood, and though my time here was exactly what I needed (and I will miss it greatly), I’m ready for a situation that is more in alignment with where I’m at now.
I’ll still be in Los Angeles, just in a new space with new people. The last year really did consist of a lot of what I call “density dropout”. For many of us, things and people that were no longer serving a positive purpose in our lives dropped out. Old habits and belief systems that were limiting or fear-based dropped out. Anything that was unable to match our current vibration, dropped out. Though releasing and letting go can be quite the challenge, all of this release was simply making space for the new. For the most part I really thought I had dropped out anyone and anything that needed to go, but once again, life decided to surprise me. Only this time, I didn’t need a hard lesson or circumstance to make me realize that I’ve been holding onto something that has been holding me back. This time, the realization came through crystal clear, all on its own. Over the weekend I had the pleasure of attending my cousin’s wedding in Houston. It was a beautiful celebration and of course, watching this union brought up sentimental feelings of my own. However, the purpose of these musings did not become clear until I was on the plane ride back home to Los Angeles, watching my favorite movie, Pretty Woman (Yes, I’m aware that the movie is pretty sexist. No, I don’t care).
For years this classic chick-flick has been the top contender on my list of favorite, feel-good films, but until yesterday I was never able to understand one thing: Why on earth would a girl like Vivian completely walk away from a guy like Edward, just because he wasn’t ready to give her exactly what she wanted? How was she so confident that she wasn’t the one being inconsiderate by asking for too much? When she says, “I want the fairytale” how does she know the fairytale exists? Or better yet, how does she know that she deserves the fairytale?
As these questions began to flood my mind I realized that maybe it was actually I who was jaded. Maybe after all of this time, and all of this work that I’ve put in toward being the best version of myself that I can possibly be, I was still avoiding my biggest downfall: worthiness. Or maybe it’s more appropriate to say a lack thereof. Though I often throw humor or self deprecating sarcasm into my writing, this is one topic where I must prevent myself from doing so. I know this to be true because I can’t get through typing this sentence without tears streaming down my face. I’ve always felt that I didn’t need others to “dote” on me or adore me in a way that was overly affectionate or affirming. Whether it be in romantic relationships or friendships, I’ve always had a hard time accepting that sort of treatment, resulting in me settling for a lack of it. And though being independent is a positive trait, I can now see that there is a difference between “not needing that sort of affection or affirmation” and “not being deserving of it”.
Though I convinced myself that I simply didn’t need it, the truth is, I have never felt that I was worthy of receiving it. This distortion has led to me viewing situations and people with rose-colored glasses, unable to see where there is fault that is outside of mine. It has led to me placing others on a pedestal, while keeping myself on the ground. It has led to me feeling as though I am so much more lucky to have others in my life, than they are to have me.
Though I am still processing the acceptance and integration of this shift, I am proud of myself for getting here in my own way and on my own time. So instead of forcing myself to continue writing, I am going to leave you with something that I already wrote, more than two years ago. I wrote this for my college newspaper right after facing a heartbreak that truly turned my world upside down. I wrote this as I sat in a Motel 6 over Halloween weekend, fully convinced that I may never recover from the hurt that I was being forced to endure. Upon sending it into my editor and having him telling me how raw and wonderful he thought it was, I panicked last minute and had the article pulled from publication. But as I stated before, everything always has a way of coming full circle.
I re-read it for the first time today, and being that my 21 year-old-self wasn’t the most confident of individuals, I can’t believe how much wisdom and heart it contains. I don’t think I even knew what I was writing, more so just trusting that I would understand it when the time was right. And for whatever reason, it appears that that time is now.
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